A LIFE TO WRITE CHAPTER 1 ENTRY 5

11-8-2016

Entry 5

 

What was I thinking? Not journal for some time and here I am typing away? What was going on with me? Falling behind on everything. Not again!

 

It’s been a couple of hours now since I last wrote in my journal A Life to Write and my brain is fried from doing all of this math. Yes. I’m in a math class that couldn’t get any harder than this since I’m average in that class currently. I’m hoping that the test retake I’m going to do will happen to be a better grade than what happened before which was where I happen to be border line failing. It was something like a D- or something but I know I can do better than that!

I’m also hoping to meet up with this friend of mine at 2PM as well. This friend is from my math class BUT I just remembered that she has a class at 2:30PM! No! How could I forget that? Can’t believe myself. And I thought a movie about my life told in a strange way was going to work but apparently not!

Frustrated and frustrated with everything. Have got to meet more new people these days. Only problem with doing that is my confidence along with me making the first move. Very hard these days. Too hard to even describe how I feel when I try to do stuff like that.

Yeah I’m too frustrated currently so I’ll stop journaling for now.

Hopefully nothing bad will happen in the future as I’ve already been through enough.

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A LIFE TO WRITE CHAPTER 1 ENTRY 4

10-20-2016

Entry 4

 

Today should be interesting since I’m going to the circus for the first time ever in my life. Only problem is that I might not enjoy it but heck with it! I’m going to see what it really is like there since it is an opportunity for me after all, maybe even with meeting someone new there too.

Last night was literally my worst nightmare as for the first time ever, I felt like as if I was garbage, waiting to be drifted away. In fact, I was the most upset ever since for a while during that time yesterday. Literally felt like that things weren’t going to get better. But you know what happened? Even though I released some of that pain I was having to one of my friends, she actually was ABLE to handle it, one of the few people I’ve ever met where they did know what to do. Those kinds of people are very rare because most people wouldn’t know what to do when I become someone like that. All they would do is make the problem worse by spreading it to others in a concerning way.

I wish my life wasn’t like that but at least I’m more careful now these days.

The big question still remains: What will get my happiness back AND balanced? It may seem like it’s there now, which it is don’t get me wrong! But is it balanced? Currently it’s not. I wish it was so I can keep going with even this journal of mine but things just get too hard these days sometimes. At least I don’t give up on what I’m doing that’s for sure!

I need to stop. Kind of hungry now!

A LIFE TO WRITE CHAPTER 1 ENTRY 3

10-17-2016

Entry 3

 

At my college right now and let me tell you that the Wi-Fi at this campus sucks! I can’t even get onto my blog just to reply to a comment I’ve gotten on a post. What is going on here?

But anyways I’m on a mission. There was someone I asked out a couple of weeks ago and for the first time ever, the response was POSITIVE. Something like that is so rare for that kind of moment to happen. However, there’s a problem that keeps repeating in my head: I wanted someone for so long but did I ask her out because I was desperate or did I really mean it? I guess time is the only way to tell if she was the one or not. We do have some things in common, including with music though. I’m just stumped.

Oh yeah! I just remembered something! There’s at least one table in the cafeteria I’m in that is always so noisy. Well for the most part there’s that one table but I don’t think the people that are loud are here today. Good thing I’m one of the few percent that happens to be a special gem.

Maybe I didn’t mean myself like that but you get what I mean! I could be special after all!

I wonder when some of my friends will be coming today. I didn’t see any in the cafeteria yet but hopefully they will come, including the person I asked out. I also just remembered that there is something called an Open Mic Night that’s this Wednesday! I’m definitely doing it so I can show people some of my potential cause let me tell you that I really do have it for the most part. Even though I did fail one time at a different campus when I performed, that doesn’t stop me!

I’ve typed a lot so I’m going to break it here. More to come later today I hope!

A LIFE TO WRITE CHAPTER 1 ENTRY 2

10-16-2016

Entry 2

 

Think of a butterfly. Now think of it as if it’s carrying a kind of mood that I’m feeling. Now think of me catching the butterfly and capturing the moment of how it was feeling. This is exactly what I’ve been trying to do and I thought of it just now: Catching the times I’m always moody. It may sound easy at first but as life goes on it can get very tricky, especially since I’ve been trying to journal while being moody.

This is why I should always journal no matter what mood I’m in. It will reveal what the meaning of a journal is. Without meaning, life is basically pointless. Hard to think about it these days don’t you think?

Now hopefully this week won’t be as bad as I thought it would be for the most part because it’s not starting off good. Can’t seem to get started on some projects or continue with them, including with this album I was working on called Mastermind Reloaded. I just can’t make music anymore. Turns out that it’s just an extra hobby of mine.

The main one though may be writing. I’m not positive yet.

Holy cow! How did I write all of this text in the last couple of minutes? I must be pretty good with journal I say. I just need to remember to keep posting those entries onto my WordPress Blog so the entire world can see what I’ve been trying to do.

Man this is a big pain in the butt because I was keeping track of how may posts I’ve written before hitting 500 posts. I think I need to stop that mainly because all it’s doing is adding up more stress towards my life as I’m already stressed out enough. Luckily though, I still have a chance to keep going through all these obstacles.

Let’s do this then: I’m going to stop putting that number (i.e. 234/500) in my posts because all it’s doing is adding more stress to both me and the blog itself. Instead I will STOP counting how many posts and total views I’ve had since day one of the blog. I really need to stop looking at those stats of mine because all it’s doing is that it’s not making me focus that well in ANYTHING.

Maybe that’s why I’m always worked up for everything. I look at the big picture way too much! Perhaps what I should do is focus on smaller pictures that make up the big one which I hopefully can do. Also as I go on with this journal, I also must not look at the word count too much or I will start to get startled by it. Like as of now, I’m looking at it and it’s distracting me since it’s already at 4 digits.

What is going on with me again? I’m really distracted. Maybe I should take a break for sure now and post the previous entry onto my blog right now!

A LIFE TO WRITE CHAPTER 1 ENTRY 1

Chapter 1

10-15-2016

Entry 1

 

All the time. It happens all the time. Why is it that regret never ends with me? I just don’t get it anymore. I mean considering the fact that I’ve done nothing but so many attempts to finish something, nothing awesome has happened. Just the attempt and the regret of what I’ve done.

That ends tonight since I really want to finish something for once. This time every time I write an entry, I will post it onto my blog KDS for the world to see. Of course I may not get as many views or even visitors at the time currently but like they all say,” You’re never too late.”

I’ve always wondered what could happen these days with me. Went to some stores and guess what happened? Crowds. They drive me insane most of the time. Not like insane as in I would run out of the store in a panic like mode but insane as in I start to get flustered with what I’m thinking or doing during the time I’m stuck in one. If I were to be in FRONT of one though, that would be considered a different story.

Who am I? My name is listed in the cover of this journal. Why don’t you look at it and see what my name is? Got it? Okay. Let’s continue as we’re about to enter a journey of nothing but crazy happenings throughout life with autism. Me.

What is life? How did I get through life? What are the benefits of life? One thing I know for sure is one benefit which is the fact that life gives us a chance. An opportunity to grow and see things we’ve never thought possible.

So how did I start of becoming a writer?

It’s pretty simple to be honest. I just love to write! I don’t know why but I just do! There’s just something that happens to speak to me to write about even what’s going on in life. I just don’t know why but it happens. Too bad that as I go on in this journal I won’t be able to see pages of it in physical form because I’m only printing this rough draft ONCE. As in once this ENTIRE journal is complete, edited, and published, I will then print out a hard copy for myself to see how big it’s gotten.

Too bad though that this journal happens to be only one page long as I was typing this section of it. Not only that but I’ve decided to split it into two columns mainly because for some reason I can’t remember, this format makes us read quicker. Still don’t know why but it could be true. I think it also saves some space on the long run as well. Maybe I’m right or wrong. Could be wrong but who knows.

Man I’m really not having it right now. I’m trying so hard to type up this journal but it can be a challenge because of how much energy I’m using right now to just type this up. I really need some kind of crystal to help me get that energy back. It’s not an easy thing to get it back you know.

I’m hearing music from somewhere, basically the low frequencies of it. I think there could be a party going on at my new house somewhere. I really don’t know where though. Couldn’t pin point the exact location. I’m also feeling dehydrated currently because I didn’t drink enough water today.

What is going on with me? I even thought that asking someone out was a challenge but this ongoing problem I’m having now is really getting on my nerves. Man maybe I just need some water and some sleep since it is 9:51 currently.

Okay I think I really should put it to an end right now mainly because I’m starting to become sleepy. Hopefully I will, and I mean I WILL, continue this journal. If I can do it for AT LEAST 150 entries, basically one per day, I will be good.

Hopefully that party over there won’t keep me up all night. And I had to set it back on this journal to one column because of copy and pasting issues that arose just now.